I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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