He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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