I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
