tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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