I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize