A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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