i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
