New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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