i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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