I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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