So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
