Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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