Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
