i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My liver just had a heart attack.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
