would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
