first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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