The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
