this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
