at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
