Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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