Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
