The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
