you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
