I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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