I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
