im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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