why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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