Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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