You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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