Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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