Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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