i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
