the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
