Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
