First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We got so high we made milksteak
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
