i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
