Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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