True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
