Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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