so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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