Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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