I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
