Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
