i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
