i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
