Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
