I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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