I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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