And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
