I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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