because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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