Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
its liver damage thursday
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
