Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
