I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
