I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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