I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
