I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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