she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
